Citing concerns about America’s overprotective environment, Gever Tulley, founder of The Tinkering School, makes a persuasive case for encouraging and empowering kids by allowing them to take on risks.  In this TED talks video, Tulley lists five dangerous things you should let your child try:

1. Play with fire.
2. Own a pocketknife.
3. Throw a spear.
4. Deconstruct appliances.
5. Break a law.
6. Drive a car.

Right away, I could see that our family hasn’t been providing an overprotective environment.  My husband and I used to balance each other - he allowed great risk, while I kept it well in check.  But, as the kids survived all those experiences, my comfort level grew.

I used to be a nervous wreck on camping trips, worried that the kids would catch on fire at the camp ring.  I watched them like a hawk the first few times that they tried whittling with their marshmallow-roasting sticks with a pocketknife.  Now, I relax by the fire, my only concern being to achieve the most perfectly golden marshmallow, and I let the kids fend for themselves.

Somehow, they survive my lack of attention.

At our last Cub Scout Den gathering we built a campfire in our backyard woods, and let the kids run wild.  I even suggested letting the boys practice their spear throwing skills until I received the WHAT-are-you-CRAZY look in response.

So, maybe, some might argue that I’m not protective enough. 

Then, again, I’m NOT letting my kids drive a car until they are at least sixteen, and perhaps, not even then.

Would you let your child drive, even in an empty lot?  Do you think any of these 5 items are too dangerous?  Are there other dangerous things that you think kids should try?

More TED Talks:

A Wish For Students: Imagination In Action

Do schools kill creativity?

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

I plan to sit around eating Bon Bons while watching the next Survivor Series:

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time–no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry, wear < STRONG> uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name.  Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother!

The fact is, I’ve been cheating.

Today, (for the first time ever) I left the house before 8:00 a.m.  We rushed to Dunkin Donuts for a drive-thru breakfast, before picking up a pack of kids who needed a ride to their field trip. 

As a result, Alex and I were miraculously early for his Gymnastics class at 9:30.  While he worked out on the bars and trampoline, I caught up on my email.

Then, we returned for the field trip kids with just one quick stop at the Girl Scout store for training material.

We picked up 6 Middle Schoolers for the return trip, and I got to listen to the latest rap on KISS FM for a little bit of culture in our day.

After dropping off the tweens, Alex and I had a whole hour of leisure time - spent on piano practice, math problems - before running off to a Hudson River Watershed program at the science museum.

Back home now, Alex ran off to check on the birds and other backyard wild life, while I returned Girl Scout related calls.

By 4:30 p.m. my body was rejecting the early morning start, so I had to take a nap.  Of course, it’s impossible to actually keep your eyes closed when you have kids.  A few minutes later, we were back in the car for another ill-advised venture.

And now that the kids are enjoying another fast food meal - from Subways, this time - I’m catching up on my blogging.

So, I cheat: 

1. Fast food, and other forms of sustenance that don’t require actual cooking, are a staple in this household.
2. My house is only clean for about 10 minutes after a visit from the cleaning woman.
3. None of my friends or family expect Birthday cards from me; at least, not anymore.
4. My social function contributions are limited to pre-packaged items.
5. I avert my eyes when in front of my home so that I don’t get hit in the face with the filthy entrance and unkempt yard.
6. As for personal grooming, forget about makeup or nail polish, and I’ve taken to saving time by only wearing slip-on shoes.
7. Still, I don’t think that the kids would vote me off the island based on my performance.  (I know how to bribe them!)

OK, so I’m not Survivor Mom material, I’ll have to nominate my friends instead!

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

As a parent, I’ve been learning to say no for years.

“No, no more candy!” 

“No, you can’t stay up five more minutes.”

“No, you can’t bike around the neighborhood alone.”

“No, no, no!”

Sometimes, it seems that all I ever say is, “No!”

This Spring, Kayla asked if she could sign up with the Classie Lassies Softball League, as she has for the past several years, and I said, “No!”

We could’ve fit it into her schedule which is remarkably free of commitments this Spring. 

Even though I think that watching sports is about as exciting as watching paint dry, Kayla loves being part of a team - especially a girls’ softball team.  I don’t know what she likes best: the camaraderie, thrill of victory, or just that sense of athletic accomplishment.

Still, I said, “No.”  I don’t want to have to plan all our family weekends around the team schedule.  And, I don’t want to watch my daughter spending another season on the bench because we haven’t played the behind-the-scenes game.

By the time kids reach the mature age of ten, you can’t just join a team, attend practice, and expect to play. 

No, you won’t be getting off the bench unless you’ve been playing year-round and attending clinics and camps to improve skills.  The best players sign up for multiple leagues so that they get lots of practice.  And then, of course, those awesome players join the all-star teams where they are constantly traveling to games.

Kids, and their families, are expected to give the sport everything they’ve got.  And, for what?

Children, especially girls, are suffering increased rates of serious injuries.  A whole generation of kids can expect to see increased rates of knee replacements as they get older.  Many former athletes will be hobbling around on crippled legs in their middle age.  Are these sports worth the pain?

In The Uneven Playing Field, Michael Sokolove takes a heart-wrenching look at the world of girls’ sports.  He argues that there is an injury epidemic in women’s sports, partly because girls are more willing to work through pain than boys.  And, he suggests that many of these injuries could be prevented with greater emphasis on proper form, strength training, and a reduction of tournament schedules.

There is hope for girls who love sports. 

For now, I’ll recommend that my daughter play fun, non-competitive team sports when she can gather a group, but we’ll opt out of competitive leagues.

Any suggestions for relatively injury-free team sports?  Do you know of any sports leagues that have succeeded in reducing injuries?  Please post a comment.

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

It’s an odd feeling to look up to your young child.  Now, I can see that she isn’t so little anymore.

At least, she doesn’t look so little.  She still thinks like a kid most of the time - living in the present, excited by every little thing - but with astounding flashes of maturity.

Gradually, I’ve discovered that I’m no longer leading her.  Quite often, she is leading me.

She is surpassing me in many athletic pursuits - skiing, running, biking, kayaking, even, possibly, hiking.  For the most part; fortunately, I can still keep up.

And, I’m grateful, that for now, this means that I have an equal partner as we we explore the outdoors.

Maybe I’m just an optimist, but I’m hoping that she’ll still drag out her old mom for outdoor adventures, even when she does reach the turbulent teen years.

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

My daughter has been thinking of starting a new business using her new Photoshop skills to eliminate blemishes on her middle school friends’ pictures.

But, why stop there?  There is a ton of money to be made creating fairy tale photos.  Pascal Dangin, the “premier retoucher of fashion photographs,” has made an artform out of cleaning up and enriching images.  In his work, some of the world’s most beautiful people get airbrushed.  Now, Dangin is claiming that he applied his magic touch to Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty.

Big Surprise.  Real beauty is real fake.

So, why shouldn’t she indulge her creative impulses to produce photo fictions?

Well, I’m sure we can all come up with a long list of reasons to stop this venture before things turn ugly. 

Perhaps, I’ll suggest that she stick to pet photography.  Yoohoo, our Chocolate Lab, could use some airbrushing of his robust physique - and it won’t damage his self-esteem one bit.

More Articles on Media Literacy:

Learning About Media Literacy

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

Like Dodge ball, Tag is now being pushed out of school playgrounds.  At McLean School, Playing Tag Turns Into Hot Potato describes the controversy that is brewing at a McLean, VA elementary school that pitts those who think tag fosters “intense aggression” and those who think that banning tag is an example of “overzealous rulemaking.”

At first, I wondered why anyone would have a problem with the harmless chasing game that I remember from my childhood.  Then, I discovered that, at some schools, Tag has some new options.

Now, in addition to running and chasing you might also consider: ‘pyramiding’, ‘towering’, ‘jailhouse’, or ‘jailbreak.’  It’s not enough to tag your opponent, in this game you want to knock down or tackle them.  It’s more like football than an innocent game of tag.

And really, who thinks football, without any protective gear, is a good game for the playground?

Then again, was Tag a harmless game when I was a child? 

My first clear memories of the school playground are from 2nd Grade at Wood Acres Elementary School in Maryland’s Montgomery County Public Schools District.   Perhaps it’s the shared recall with my life-long friend, Ann, or the fact that I’ve been returning with my kids, but I have lots of memories from that playground.  

I remember swinging on the metal monkey bars (the kind that were later banned due to injuries) or trying to fling kids from the child-powered merry-go-round.  And, I have to admit that my girlfriends and I weren’t shy about violence.  Our favorite variant of Tag was a boys-against-girls chasing game, where we used ring-covered fists for maximum impact to deliver knuckle-bar sandwiches.

The next year, 3rd Grade at Kensington Elementary School, is a blur.  I don’t remember playing tag, but I also don’t remember any friends.  

And then, I spent two whole years at Chesterbrook Elementary School in McLean, VA, and found a couple of “best friends”.  I should have lots of memories from attending this school.  But, I don’t.  Whenever I think of that school, I remember one humiliating scene - the day my entire 4th Grade class played ”keep-away” chase with one of my private letters.

I had written a “To Whom It May Concern” letter on the long drive back from a family vacation at Disney World - but it was never meant to be shared.  In it, I poured out all my deepest, hidden feelings for the object of my childhood crush, my classmate, Todd.

Somehow, perhaps when we stopped for gas, this letter must have flown out of the car, and straight into the hands of Todd’s buddy, Brian. 

The next day, Brian threatened to read the letter to the class while I chased after him to stop the inevitable humiliation.  That was the most painful game of tag ever.  At the time, I’m sure I would have preferred to have suffered a broken bone from a ‘jailhouse’ version of tag.  And, I was more than ready to inflict a world of hurt on that rotten boy, Brian.

Looking back on my childhood games, I can’t say that kids played differently back then.  I believe that the potential for Lord of the Flies behavior was no less apparent then, than it is now. 

What do you think?  Were there less injuries on the playground thirty years ago?  Is there more bullying and “intense aggression” today?

Where do you draw a line between letting kids learn how to master playground politics, and keeping them safe? 

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

One-fifth of all teens who responded to a recent survey describe themselves as ambitious, materialistic, self-centered Achievers.

Is that all? That must be wrong, or perhaps more value success but aren’t willing to wear such an ugly label.

The hip and happening Habbo, with  94 million registered users, just released the results of their Global Youth Survey of 58,486 teens between the ages 11 and 18 from 31 countries.  Respondents were identified as falling into 1 of 5 behavioral groups:

•    Achievers: Ambitious, strong minded and materialistic.  They value material success and whilst having lots of friends do not consider other people’s feelings as much as other segments
•    Rebels: Value gathering lots of experiences in life and enjoy a fast-paced lifestyle.  Like Achievers they want to become “rich and famous”, but they are not willing to compromise on having fun in order to achieve this goal
•    Traditionals: Value having an ordinary life and see themselves as honest, polite and obedient.  They are keen to help others but are less ambitious and  pleasure seeking compared to other segments
•    Creatives: Share many of the same positive traits as Traditionals, but with a focus on creativity.  They place value in getting a good education and being influential in life, but they are also active, social and have an interest in travelling
•    Loners: More introverted and less likely than other segments to identify with any specific personality traits.  They rarely see themselves as active or self-assured, but are more open minded in their attitudes compared to Traditionals or Achievers

I’m wondering where my daughter would place herself, and if her peers would agree.  But, I have to question these categories.  Do they have to be mutually exclusive?  Can you be an Achiever and still be considerate of others?  Aren’t Creatives just as likely to be ambitious as the Achievers?

I’m also wondering how these definitions influence personal growth.  Isn’t it detrimental for a teen - who is still in the throes of exploring who they are - to accept these labels?

And, isn’t it hazardous to give Achievers such a bad rep?  I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be described as inconsiderate and materialistic, but I sure want my children to be strong minded leaders who achieve their goals.

What category do you fall into?  And, where do you want to see your kids?  What do you think of this survey?

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

It’s so popular with the tween crowd,  that even I’ve heard of Soulja Boy’s “Crank Dat” dance sensation.  My daughter, and most of her friends, make this dance look soooo easy.  But, have you tried it?

The reason these girls look so good is that they’ve watched the instructional video, and literally spent hours practicing the “supaman” move.

Talk about motivation! Yeah!

Even more interesting, to me anyway, is what Soulja Boy’s popularity says about modern society.  In Soulja Boy: In Loco Parentis, Drew Hinshaw makes a persuasive case that:

… in a larger sense, the explosive popularity of that Soulja Boy dance partially reflects a change in how America raises our young.  The year that gave us “superman that hoe” was also the first year in American history in which married households constituted a minority.  The nature of parental authority has changed, not only because the job is left to more divorced and single parents, but also because AIM, social networking, and the proliferation of cell phones have circumvented parental control.

Well, I’m not buying it.  Is parental control really any less than it was in the past?  I know many of us had way more freedom than today’s adolescents.

I think you can argue that boundaries have shifted regarding what is acceptable in popular culture.  And yes, today’s parents are having to figure out how to keep kids safe even as they learn about the new arenas available in the wired world.  However, this is not a new phenomenon. 

Kids have been pushing limits since humans first learned how to harness fire. 

What do you think?  Is your child dancing to Soulja Boy’s “Crank Dat”?  In Share the Music, Share the Love, I suggested that tween music is a good reason for me to master Self-Delusion 101.  So, does that mean I’m ceding parental control?  Or, am I just being realistic about picking my parenting battles?

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.  You can also click here to receive updates on a RSS Feed Reader.

Most days, these sibling get along well.  However, like many brothers and sisters, they excel at pushing each other’s buttons.

Family time is often a roller coaster ride of emotions with the ups and downs of their relationship.

On the ski slopes, I get to see the best of their sibling love as they team up to brave the risky slopes.

They stick together, cooperatively plan their routes, follow each other’s lead, and generally look out for each other.

I just wish I could bottle this good will and sprinkle it on when they’re nudging and poking each other!

For advice on how to avoid sibling rivalry, I’ve turned to Sibling Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.  The authors recommend that parents:

• Don’t insist on good feelings between siblings.  Allow them to disagree, and to work through those disagreements. Base your response according to the level of the situation.  You can ignore normal bickering, but you may have to separate children who are about to hurt each other.
• Resist the urge to compare siblings.
• Children don’t need to be treated equally.  They need to be treated uniquely.
• Don’t lock a child into a role.  Help your child develop tools and abilities so that they are given the freedom to change.

They also suggest that all parents:

1. Make sure that each child gets some time alone with you several times a week.
2. When spending time with one child, don’t talk about the other.
3. Don’t withhold your affection or attention from your “favorite child” in order to make it up to a less favored child.
4. Don’t lock the children into their position in the family constellation (oldest, youngest, middle).  Allow each child the opportunity to experience some of the privileges and responsibilities of the other.
5. Don’t get trapped by “togetherness.”
6. Let each child know what it is about him that his siblings like or admire.
7. Schedule family meetings.

I can’t say that we have followed all of these suggestions, although I can see their value. 

In our family, my husband and I do try to have unique relationships and plenty of one-on-one time with each child. 

Alex and Daddy share Cub Scouts, while Kayla and I share Girl Scouts.  In addition, there is a whole list of shared interests and activities:

• Risk Takers: Kayla and Daddy are fearless risk takers.  They’re the first to try the most thrilling amusement park rides or outdoor sports like rock climbing or mountain biking.  Alex and I follow along at our own pace or comfort level. 
• Sedentary Pleasures:  Although Kayla & Daddy like to read, they find it difficult to stay in one place for long.  Alex and I are just the opposite, and we love nothing better than snuggling in for a long reading session.  Sometimes we share our Book Kids Book Club selection, but we are just as likely to read our own books.  Alex and Daddy also share evening buddy-reading time, and Kayla and I love being a part of a Mother/Daughter Book Club.
• One-on-one Time: Alex and Daddy share daily project time where they conduct scientific experiments; play chess or checkers; watch cartoons; or battle on the Wii.  Alex and I homeschool together, so we have lots of time to learn and explore together.   It’s more difficult to find one-on-one time with our busy, tween daughter.  With her, we look for pockets of opportunity.  Sometimes, it’s just a Daddy/Daughter trip to Target or a Mother/Daughter TV movie time.  It’s challenging, but incredibly worthwhile, to set aside time for these one-on-one activities.

How do you find ways to develop a unique relationship with your child?  Do you have any recommendations for spending one-on-one time with your children?  Please share your suggestions for avoiding sibling rivalry.

Find more ideas for one-on-one time on 10 Ways To Bond With Your Children.

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.

Some people might dread a seven hour road trip, but oddball-mom that I am, I look on it as an opportunity.

Yes, an opportunity to hold my children hostage, and make them listen to my music.

As part of my ongoing campaign to inspire the kids to want to continue music lessons, I stocked the car with the Reader’s Digest “700 Years of Classical Treasures: The Complete History of Classical Music…The Composers, Their Instruments, and Works.”

We listened to the first two CDs in this collection, covering Medieval and Baroque music, to an endless chorus of, “Boriiiiiing, ewwww… Can we listen to my music, nowwwww?”

I think they really enjoyed that interlude, and now have a new appreciation for classical music.  Self-Delusion 101, that’s my talent.

Fortunately, I also brought the i car play, a device that allows you to play ipod tunes over your car’s FM radio.

First, we hooked up my new ipod Classic, an 80GB beauty, that was loaded with audio books and a selection of pre-loaded music.

Those Apple guys rock!  Yeah, they even included our song, ABBA’s Dancing Queen.

You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in;that’s a little more difficult in the car.  Bopping our heads to the beat is as much as we can do.

So, we went from listening to Ave Maria, who is full of grace, on the classical CD to singing with ABBA and Patsy Cline about looking for love, and then we listened to my daughter’s ipod collection.

My 11-year-old daughter’s collection included:

• Soundtracks to The Lion King, Hairspray, and Newsies.
• Fabulous, from High School Musical 2, in which the girl asks for “something fabulous, “Bigger and better and best, I need something inspiring to help me get along.”
• Barbie Girl by Aqua in which the girl sings “Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please”
• Glamorous by Fergie
• Crank dat dance by Soulja Boy
• American Idiot by Green Day

I’m wishing that I didn’t look up the lyrics to these songs.  The tunes are kind of catchy, and since I can never make out the words, they don’t seem so bad.

So, is it better to ignore that your child is listening to crap or to never even know what they are hearing?  Should I even worry?  How much does she even pay attention to these songs?

Kid’s music is another reason to master Self-Delusion 101.

If you would like to receive free articles from On Living By Learning by email, click this link.