I plan to sit around eating Bon Bons while watching the next Survivor Series:

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time–no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry, wear < STRONG> uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name.  Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother!

The fact is, I’ve been cheating.

Today, (for the first time ever) I left the house before 8:00 a.m.  We rushed to Dunkin Donuts for a drive-thru breakfast, before picking up a pack of kids who needed a ride to their field trip. 

As a result, Alex and I were miraculously early for his Gymnastics class at 9:30.  While he worked out on the bars and trampoline, I caught up on my email.

Then, we returned for the field trip kids with just one quick stop at the Girl Scout store for training material.

We picked up 6 Middle Schoolers for the return trip, and I got to listen to the latest rap on KISS FM for a little bit of culture in our day.

After dropping off the tweens, Alex and I had a whole hour of leisure time - spent on piano practice, math problems - before running off to a Hudson River Watershed program at the science museum.

Back home now, Alex ran off to check on the birds and other backyard wild life, while I returned Girl Scout related calls.

By 4:30 p.m. my body was rejecting the early morning start, so I had to take a nap.  Of course, it’s impossible to actually keep your eyes closed when you have kids.  A few minutes later, we were back in the car for another ill-advised venture.

And now that the kids are enjoying another fast food meal - from Subways, this time - I’m catching up on my blogging.

So, I cheat: 

1. Fast food, and other forms of sustenance that don’t require actual cooking, are a staple in this household.
2. My house is only clean for about 10 minutes after a visit from the cleaning woman.
3. None of my friends or family expect Birthday cards from me; at least, not anymore.
4. My social function contributions are limited to pre-packaged items.
5. I avert my eyes when in front of my home so that I don’t get hit in the face with the filthy entrance and unkempt yard.
6. As for personal grooming, forget about makeup or nail polish, and I’ve taken to saving time by only wearing slip-on shoes.
7. Still, I don’t think that the kids would vote me off the island based on my performance.  (I know how to bribe them!)

OK, so I’m not Survivor Mom material, I’ll have to nominate my friends instead!

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