Sibling Team

Most days, these sibling get along well. However, like many brothers and sisters, they excel at pushing each other’s buttons.

Family time is often a roller coaster ride of emotions with the ups and downs of their relationship.

On the ski slopes, I get to see the best of their sibling love as they team up to brave the risky slopes.

They stick together, cooperatively plan their routes, follow each other’s lead, and generally look out for each other.

I just wish I could bottle this good will and sprinkle it on when they’re nudging and poking each other!

For advice on how to avoid sibling rivalry, I’ve turned to Sibling Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. The authors recommend that parents:

Don’t insist on good feelings between siblings. Allow them to disagree, and to work through those disagreements. Base your response according to the level of the situation. You can ignore normal bickering, but you may have to separate children who are about to hurt each other.
Resist the urge to compare siblings.
Children don’t need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely.
Don’t lock a child into a role. Help your child develop tools and abilities so that they are given the freedom to change.

They also suggest that all parents:

Make sure that each child gets some time alone with you several times a week.
When spending time with one child, don’t talk about the other.
Don’t withhold your affection or attention from your “favorite child” in order to make it up to a less favored child.
Don’t lock the children into their position in the family constellation (oldest, youngest, middle). Allow each child the opportunity to experience some of the privileges and responsibilities of the other.
Don’t get trapped by “togetherness.”
Let each child know what it is about him that his siblings like or admire.
Schedule family meetings.

I can’t say that we have followed all of these suggestions, although I can see their value.

In our family, my husband and I do try to have unique relationships and plenty of one-on-one time with each child.

Alex and Daddy share Cub Scouts, while Kayla and I share Girl Scouts. In addition, there is a whole list of shared interests and activities:

Risk Takers: Kayla and Daddy are fearless risk takers. They’re the first to try the most thrilling amusement park rides or outdoor sports like rock climbing or mountain biking. Alex and I follow along at our own pace or comfort level.
Sedentary Pleasures: Although Kayla & Daddy like to read, they find it difficult to stay in one place for long. Alex and I are just the opposite, and we love nothing better than snuggling in for a long reading session. Sometimes we share our Book Kids Book Club selection, but we are just as likely to read our own books. Alex and Daddy also share evening buddy-reading time, and Kayla and I love being a part of a Mother/Daughter Book Club.
One-on-one Time: Alex and Daddy share daily project time where they conduct scientific experiments; play chess or checkers; watch cartoons; or battle on the Wii. Alex and I homeschool together, so we have lots of time to learn and explore together. It’s more difficult to find one-on-one time with our busy, tween daughter. With her, we look for pockets of opportunity. Sometimes, it’s just a Daddy/Daughter trip to Target or a Mother/Daughter TV movie time. It’s challenging, but incredibly worthwhile, to set aside time for these one-on-one activities.

How do you find ways to develop a unique relationship with your child? Do you have any recommendations for spending one-on-one time with your children? Please share your suggestions for avoiding sibling rivalry.

Find more ideas for one-on-one time on 10 Ways To Bond With Your Children.

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