Clique - An exclusive circle of people with a common purpose.

Exclusive- Admitting only members of a socially restricted or very carefully selected group.

I often hear moms describing their school as “clique-y.” Usually, I hear this from a mom who has limited time to volunteer in her school.

Several experts have written about mommy cliques. Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes (the inspiration for the movie Mean Girls,) wrote Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads. A Parenting Magazine article, Mom Cliques: Where Do You Fit In?, provides an excerpt from the book that describes the various kinds of clique moms. Similarly, Cynthia Eller, Ph.D. quotes many women who were excluded from mommy cliques in Mommy Cliques: Why new moms can be so catty, and how you can cope.

I’m sure that Ms. Wiseman and others have seen mommy cliques in action, but are they everywhere? Or, are there situations where frequent contact creates the appearance of mommy cliques? If you look closely, would you find that all parents are welcome in the school community?

Many times, the appearance of mommy cliques is influenced by perception.

Until recently, I was a very involved stay-at-home school volunteer. I helped run the Book Fair and the Book Publishing project. I taught Spanish to my son’s class and helped out in the computer lab every week. I was a Girl Scout leader, Cub Scout helper, and helped form an advocacy group for Gifted & Talented students. My daughter was also involved in the local swim team and theatre group, while my son tried various sports. Through these many activities, I became acquainted with many parents in our community.

I was equally grateful for the help of any volunteer, regardless of her time commitment or work status.

Of course, there were some women - and men- that I tended to know better because our children made similar choices about extracurricular activities. There was never any effort to exclude anyone, but there really wasn’t much social contact among the moms beyond sharing volunteer duties or waiting at an extracurricular event. Some moms are more outgoing, others quieter. That was about the only thing separating the conversationalists.

I’ve had conversations with working moms who felt uncomfortable at school functions because they wondered if stay-at-home moms felt that they weren’t doing their share. I told them that any help was appreciated and that there are many ways to be a part of the school community . Most of the moms at our school are working moms, but moms sometimes think that if they see someone volunteering then she must be a stay-at-home mom. These moms are surprised to discover that most of the PTO board, committee chairs, and volunteers, are working moms and dads. They volunteer to do what they can, when they can, because they all share a desire to create a nurturing community environment for the students.

Obviously, the group dynamics will be very different in other schools. In our school, cliques were just in the eyes of the beholders.

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